RESEARCH_FILE
The Liking Gap
The liking gap is the systematic underestimate of how much other people like us after we talk to them. Boothby, Cooney, Sandstrom and Clark (2018) found it in lab conversations between strangers, in workshops, and in dormmates tracked across an academic year: partners consistently reported liking participants more than the participants believed. The gap is fed by harsh self-review of one's own conversational performance — the internal critique the other person never hears.
SEE THE PRACTICE
Turn a thought this research explains into one clear move.
THE THOUGHT
“They were just being polite”
YOUR RECORDED RESPONSE
“The gap between how much they liked the conversation and how much I think they liked it is predictably large.”
ONE PRIVATE MOVE
Write down the exact phrase they used and the details of what you both talked about. Read it back without the weeks of silence added. Notice what was actually said, separate from what you've decided it means now.
How it sounds in your head
You leave a get-together replaying the joke that landed flat and conclude, 'They were just being polite.' Meanwhile the other person left the same conversation thinking it went well — and wondering whether you liked them.