RESEARCH_FILE
The Science of Being Single
The story culture tells about being single — that it means something is wrong with you, that you'll be miserable without a partner, that a breakup would be unbearable — turns out to be a script, not a finding.
SEE THE PRACTICE
Turn a thought this research explains into one clear move.
THE THOUGHT
“One bad date and I want to give up for a year”
YOUR RECORDED RESPONSE
“One flat night is data about one person, not a referendum on eight billion or a reason to vanish for a year.”
ONE PRIVATE MOVE
Open your calendar and identify the last three days you did something social that wasn't dating-related or app-based. If the list is short, schedule one human activity this week unrelated to dating—a meal, a class, a walk with a friend—and attend it. Notice whether your energy…
Researchers have named the stereotyping of single people ('singlism'), shown that people substantially overpredict how bad breakups will feel, traced how the fear of rejection can create the rejection it fears, and documented that dating-app burnout is a measurable, time-varying response — not a personal failure. Here's what fifty years of relationship science actually says.
How the science changed
- 1996
Downey and Feldman publish the rejection sensitivity model in JPSP: people who anxiously expect rejection readily perceive it in ambiguous partner behavior and overreact to it — and both they and their partners end up less satisfied. ↗
- 2003
Lucas, Clark, Georgellis and Diener analyze 15 years of German panel data (over 24,000 people): on average, marriage brings a small happiness boost followed by adaptation back toward each person's own baseline — marriage is not a lasting happiness upgrade for the average person. ↗
- 2005
DePaulo and Morris publish 'Singles in Society and in Science' in Psychological Inquiry, coining 'singlism' — the stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination against single adults — and showing how an unexamined 'Ideology of Marriage and Family' shaped both culture and research. ↗
- 2008
Eastwick, Finkel, Krishnamurti and Loewenstein track students in relationships over time: those who forecast how devastated they would be by a breakup — and then actually broke up — were substantially less distressed than they had predicted. The catastrophe was an affective forecasting error. ↗
- 2012
Finkel, Eastwick, Karney, Reis and Sprecher publish a major review of online dating in Psychological Science in the Public Interest: the matching-algorithm superiority claims made by dating sites lack scientific validity — no algorithm has been shown to predict long-term compatibility from profiles. ↗
- 2024
Sharabi, Von Feldt and Ha publish a longitudinal study of dating-app burnout in New Media & Society, tracking users over time and showing burnout is a measurable state that develops and fluctuates with app use — a documented phenomenon, not a personal defect. ↗
What people believe vs. what the data shows
The belief“Single people are fundamentally less happy — a partner is the missing piece.”
The dataIn 15 years of panel data on over 24,000 people, marriage brought on average only a small happiness boost followed by adaptation back toward each person's baseline. The 'missing piece' story predicts a large, lasting gap; the data show a small, mostly temporary one. ↗
The belief“If you're still single, something must be wrong with you.”
The dataThat inference is singlism — a documented pattern of stereotyping and discrimination against single adults. DePaulo and Morris showed that negative judgments of singles (immature, self-centered, lonely) flow from an unexamined ideology, not from evidence about single people themselves. ↗
The belief“If this relationship ends — or this person rejects me — I won't be able to bear it.”
The dataWhen researchers compared students' forecasts of post-breakup devastation with how those who actually broke up felt, real distress was substantially lower than predicted. The mind systematically overestimates how bad romantic loss will feel and underestimates its own recovery. ↗
The belief“Feeling sure you'll be rejected means you're reading the signs correctly.”
The dataRejection sensitivity research shows the opposite: anxiously expecting rejection makes people perceive it in ambiguous behavior and react in ways — hostility, withdrawal, jealousy — that elicit real rejection. In a one-year follow-up, couples with a high-rejection-sensitive woman broke up nearly three times as often (44% vs 15%). ↗
The belief“Being exhausted by dating apps means you're failing at dating.”
The dataDating-app burnout is a documented, measurable phenomenon tracked longitudinally in published research — it develops and fluctuates with patterns of app use. And in Pew's survey, recent users were more likely to say the experience left them frustrated (45%) than hopeful (28%). The exhaustion says something about the environment, not your worth. ↗
TEST_YOURSELF · How well do you know this science?
01 What does 'singlism', the term coined by DePaulo and Morris in 2005, describe?
In 'Singles in Society and in Science' (Psychological Inquiry, 2005), DePaulo and Morris named singlism: the largely unrecognized stereotyping, prejudice and discrimination against single adults, rooted in an unexamined ideology that partnered life is the only fulfilled life. source ↗
02 In the 2008 study by Eastwick, Finkel and colleagues, how did people's actual distress after a breakup compare to what they had forecast?
Students in relationships forecast how distressed they would be if the relationship ended; those who actually broke up during the study were substantially less distressed than they had predicted — a classic affective forecasting error applied to romantic loss. source ↗
03 According to Downey and Feldman (1996), what is rejection sensitivity?
Downey and Feldman defined rejection sensitivity as a cognitive-affective disposition to anxiously expect, readily perceive, and overreact to rejection — and showed it undermines relationships: rejection-sensitive people read intentional rejection into ambiguous partner behavior, and both partners end up less satisfied. source ↗
04 What did 15 years of German panel data (Lucas et al., 2003) show about happiness after marriage, on average?
Following over 24,000 people for 15 years, Lucas and colleagues found that on average people got a small happiness boost around marriage and then adapted back toward their own pre-marriage baseline — with substantial individual differences, but no large lasting gain for the average person. source ↗
05 What did the 2012 review 'Online Dating: A Critical Analysis' conclude about dating sites' matching algorithms?
Finkel, Eastwick, Karney, Reis and Sprecher reviewed the evidence in Psychological Science in the Public Interest and concluded that dating sites' claims that their algorithms produce superior matches lack scientific validity — no algorithm has been shown to predict long-term compatibility from profile data. source ↗