RESEARCH_FILE
Triangulation
Bowen's term for what happens when a two-person relationship under stress pulls in a third person to absorb or redirect the tension, instead of the original pair resolving it directly with each other.
SEE THE PRACTICE
Turn a thought this research explains into one clear move.
THE THOUGHT
“Keeping the peace is my job”
YOUR RECORDED RESPONSE
“I'm a guest at this table, not its emotional air traffic controller.”
ONE PRIVATE MOVE
Write down the names of three specific moments from the last family gathering where you made a choice to redirect, smooth over, or manage someone else's reaction. Next to each one, write whether that person actually asked you to do that. Notice the pattern without showing anyone.
How it sounds in your head
Relaying a partner's complaint to their parent, or a parent's complaint to your partner, instead of letting the two people involved talk directly — it feels like keeping the peace, but it just keeps you stuck in the middle.