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The Science of Family Favoritism: What the Research Actually Shows
Most parents insist they love their children 'the same.' Decades of research on parental differential treatment — led largely by sociologist Jill Suitor's long-running studies of Boston-area families — tell a more complicated story: most mothers privately do feel closer to one child, most are reluctant to admit it outright, and their adult children are often wrong about who it is. Meanwhile, the popular idea that birth order itself explains personality — the bossy firstborn, the rebellious baby of the family — has been tested across tens of thousands of people and mostly hasn't held up. What predicts adult wellbeing isn't your slot in the birth order, but whether you felt, or still feel, singled out. Here's how the science moved from folk theory to family surveys.
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01 In interviews with Boston-area mothers, roughly what share privately named a child they felt closest to?
About 70% of the 275 mothers interviewed named a specific child they felt closest to, even though publicly denying favoritism is the social norm and most were reluctant to say so outright. source ↗
02 According to 'I'm Sure She Chose Me!' (Suitor et al., 2006), how accurate were adult children at naming which sibling their mother actually favored?
Children were fairly accurate about whether their mother favored someone at all, but only about 39% correctly named which sibling — and children who weren't chosen were often the most sure they were. source ↗
03 What does sibling deidentification theory (Schachter et al., 1976) propose?
Schachter and colleagues found deidentification was most pronounced between siblings close in age, who adopt distinct interests, traits and roles as a strategy to reduce rivalry and comparison — differences that are partly made, not just born. source ↗
04 What did the largest study of birth order and personality (Rohrer, Egloff & Schmukle, 2015) conclude?
Across more than 20,000 people in Germany, the US and Britain, birth order had no meaningful effect on extraversion, emotional stability, agreeableness, conscientiousness or imagination — undercutting the popular claim that birth position drives personality. source ↗
05 Whose wellbeing did perceived maternal differential treatment affect, according to the 2010 Journal of Marriage and Family study?
Pillemer, Suitor and colleagues found perceived differential treatment predicted more depressive symptoms in midlife for both the favored and the unfavored sibling — favoritism carries costs even for the child who benefits from it. source ↗