“If I have to ask, it's already my job.” Daminger's research on cognitive labor shows that the task of noticing — anticipating what needs to be done before it needs to be done — is work in itself. Having to request another adult's participation in their own household piles emotional labor on top of physical labor. The asking is not coordination. It's management.
The Ask-First Tax
- I have to ask for everything — if I don't, it doesn't happen
- I've become the household reminder app
- Asking is almost as exhausting as doing it myself
- They only step up when I explicitly ask
- If it's not on a sticky note on the fridge, it doesn't exist to them
- I say 'don't worry about it' and quietly do it myself anyway
- I rewrite the family group text three times so the ask doesn't sound like nagging